And I try so hard not to,

but you'll have to help along the way.

Tell me what your worst fear is.

Mental torture. I've endured so much of that during my stay on this Earth. Everybody, if you ask them, really... they've known me as the girl who always smiles. The girl who would always greet you when you pass by the hall. The girl who cares for everybody in general.

I am the girl you would see always with a crowd of people--just to keep them happy. It's been a rough year. But even though a lot has been going on, you'll see me smile. Because... isn't easier to hide all those pain through smiling? People can easily relate to that.

My best friend had always quoted that statement. And it's true. Definitely true for people like us. But I don't want that anymore, because it's hard. I know of this guy... he is loved by everyone. He has the looks, the style, the easy-go-lucky personality, the charms to woo women easily... but he has a weak heart.

And he hides himself through playfulness. Through ignoring pain and centering himself to more happier things... and through, eventually, not caring for the hurt and problem at all. Because that's where he sees himself surviving such a life.

Because through perfection--there's always a flaw underneath the thick barrier. In other words, it simply does not exist. And he had to accept that, but at first, he couldn't.

And when he learned to actually apply that thought to his life, he lost himself. Those words he lived by before? Those started to fade from his life. And he needed to live by another wording, but with hardships.

Because, really... what is life without learning to survive through trials?

You just can't ignore problems because you don't feel like facing them. No. How are you going to grow? How are you going to mature? How are you going to protect yourself from bigger troubles in the future?

You'll just have to suck it up and learn.

And I learned.

But just like him... I learned to live by my own rules. And I started to yearn for independence. I didn't want to care for anybody else but me. I cared too much... and sometimes, I couldn't even ask for anything in return, because I want them to give it to me freely.

It's a wrong thought, because people are selfish. Sometimes, you'll have to demand for it.

And yet, I wait.

... I've waited long enough.

I can't say, "okay" all the time. Because... it's not. Everything's not okay. But you know? It's hard to say so. Haha. I don't have enough guts to say so.

I'm not strong enough yet.

So... yeah. Keep stomping on me. It's okay.

I'm a strong girl. I think I can handle a little bit of shitty treatment now and again. However, don't wait for me to explode...

... you might just regret it.